Lincoln’s 4th Birthday

Dear Lincoln,

You are the most special little boy Mommy and Daddy could have ever asked for! We visited you and decorated your grave with pretty new flowers for your birthday. Daddy found the big green ones 🙂 We talked to you about your new little sister who is coming, but we know you already know her, our sweet boy.

We had so much fun lighting your lanterns with Aunt Rachel, Uncle MJ, and Grandma. We saw the two shooting stars you sent as soon as all the lanterns were in the air! What a beautiful ending for your birthday, to see the dark sky lit up with symbols of our love for you, and a celebration of your life. We miss you so much Linky… We will all be together as a family again soon. Until then, we will keep celebrating you everyday of our lives.

Love you forever,

Mommy and Daddy

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New flowers for Bubby’s birthday

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Mommy and Aunt Rachel getting the lanterns ready!

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Daddy and Mommy getting ready to launch a lantern!

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Mommy launching her lantern!

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There goes Daddy’s!

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Beautiful!

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We love you Lincoln! Happy 4th Birthday!

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Lincoln’s Memory Tree at Grandma and Grandpa’s house

Dear Lincoln

Dear Lincoln,

I remember the day you were born so vividly.

Mommy was up late getting her hospital bag ready because you were due in just two short weeks! So imagine my surprise when around 4 a.m. that morning I sat up suddenly in bed and my water broke everywhere! I will never forget daddy’s face when I woke him up. It was so funny! Shocked and half asleep he wanted to go straight to the hospital, but your mommy is crazy and “just had to” take a shower and put on some mascara!

Labor was slow going… I lost track of how many popsicles (preferably red) I ate. The contractions got really strong after the doctor gave mommy some medicine to help you come out faster. I began to start pushing around 11:30 p.m. My goal was to deliver you by midnight, but it took awhile to push you out. Your heart rate started to drop and the doctor had to do some crazy things to get you out… and mommy felt it!

And then it happened… the doctor lifted you up and laid you on mommy’s chest! I saw your beautiful, wonderful face for the first time! I had waited so many months for this moment. I loved you from the start, but when mommy saw you and held you I just couldn’t hold in the love and devotion that was bursting from my heart to yours! I kissed your sweet little face and told you I loved you over and over. I couldn’t even dream of what that moment would feel like until I felt it. YOU, little boy, instantly made all my dreams come true. You made me feel love that I never even knew was possible, until I held you in my arms. You cuddled against me so sweetly, looking into my eyes, without nary a peep.

I always loved reading you your book “On The Night You Were Born” because I felt that it helped convey to you the truth. On the night you were born, everything was perfect. You were perfect. You ARE perfect.

Mommy and daddy love you SO MUCH Lincoln. We wanted to celebrate your first birthday with you, but I know that God is throwing you a great party in heaven today. I just wanted you to know that you changed our lives forever and that you are still changing lives and impacting this world with your life. You accomplished more in 5 months than some people do in decades. You are our hero. I mark each day off of the calendar because I know that each day done is just one more closer to being with you again, my love.

Happy 1st Birthday Lincoln. You truly are invincible.

Love forever and always,

Mommy

Just born

Just born

All dry :)

All dry 🙂

Tired mommy and daddy looking at their little treasure

Tired mommy and daddy looking at their little treasure

So aware and content!

So aware and content!

Genetic Testing and More…

It’s finally happening. After months of waiting to hear back from doctors, and battling with insurance, Jeremy and I are going to have our genetic testing done this Thursday. We were denied insurance coverage for our testing and have decided to pay cash as we cannot stand the thought of going any longer wandering about in the unknown. We will be tested at the Department of Medical and Molecular Genetics in the Medical Research and Library Building at Indiana University Health, just down the street from Riley Children’s Hospital. It will be awhile before we receive any of the results. The goal is to find out if we passed down the Leigh’s Disease to Lincoln through a recessive gene, or if he spontaneously had a mutated gene. If we passed it down to him, that will directly impact our future family planning.

We are also going to be receiving genetic counseling that same day where they will go into great detail about what exactly Lincoln had and how it effected his body. There are supposed to be slides and everything. I can honestly say that I’m excited and scared at the same time. I hated not knowing what was happening to my little boy, but I feel it will also break my heart even more (if that’s possible) to know what he truly was going through. I can only remind myself over and over of God’s promise that my baby is pain-free and waiting for me in heaven with our Savior. It is so mind-boggling to think about my dear little son experiencing so many things that I can only dream and hope for as I wait to be reunited with him. I can’t wait.

The other day I got the mail when I arrived home from work and immediately began sobbing as I had received a catalog called Throwing your Baby’s 1st Birthday… just another reminder that next month on September 16th, I will not be having a party. No cake, or candles, or presents, but in its stead, a trip to the cemetery where his little Lincoln’s body was laid to rest. I didn’t want to celebrate my own birthday last month, trying so hard not to cry when I was sung happy birthday by my family because it was a reminder that I would never be singing that song to my son. There are so many unexpected things that come out of nowhere and knock for feet out from under you, when you are so deep in grief. You think you are having an at least “ok” day and BOOM you hit the ground with a huge thud.

Tomorrow, on Sunday, we are driving to Indy with my family for a memorial service for all the recent children who have passed away at Riley. A part of me doesn’t want to go back there, but I don’t want to look back and have any regrets. I’m not sure what to expect, but we were told to bring a framed picture of Lincoln to share with the other parents. I think we should also each have our own box of tissues as well.

I do want to share some wonderful mail that we received today. I contacted the photographer who took Lincoln’s newborn pictures at Marion General Hospital, hoping that they would still have the pictures so we could buy more. I was blown away when not only did they have the pictures we had purchased, but they still had 5 other poses as well. They sent them all to me for free on a CD and a letter giving us all the copy rights to the pictures!!! THAT MADE MY DAY. What a wonderful act of love that we have received from Carl at Portrayal Studios. I am so thankful for their generosity. I want to share some of these beautiful pictures of my son…

What a sweet boy!

What a sweet boy!

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Mommy and Daddy love you Lincoln

Mommy and Daddy love you Lincoln! So much!!