When Joy doesn’t mean “Happy”

“Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I will show you how.”
Matt 16:24 msg

It’s been a rough week in the Huff household to say the least… we finally did something we’ve been dreading, but knew needed to be done. We removed Lincoln’s pack n’ play and swing from the living room. It was hard, and we both cried while we did it, but we both knew it was time. The pack n’ play was still full of Lincoln’s laundry that I had washed the day before we ended up at Riley. The winnie the pooh hooded towel… the little outfit that said “daddy’s best friend” that I had waited to go on sale for weeks at Kohl’s and finally bought that he never even got to wear… it was just too overwhelming. I couldn’t bear to try and sort everything and put it away, so I just stuffed it all in a bag, and put it in his room. I think we just finally reached the point where seeing his empty stuff became more painful than the thought of having to remove them.

I have had several pictures printed and bought frames and hung them up in the living room, and we also have our willow tree items, and other momentos that make us think of Lincoln through out the house that bring us comfort and think of memories with our sweet boy. It’s more comforting to look at those things it seems like at this point.

I still go in his nursery though. It’s difficult to go in there, and I don’t do it everyday, but I always at least look in there daily. His smell is still there. I whisper up a prayer of thanks every time I can still smell my baby, and can feel any sort of closeness to him.

We’re just trying to focus right now on anything that can bring us moments happiness. I always have joy, no matter what because I know I will someday be with Lincoln again, and I serve an awesome Lord that loves me so, so much, that He made it possible for us to be together forever. But for now, we are here… always having joy, but not always happy. Those moments of true happiness are rare, and I know in my heart they will always be tainted with grief. I’ve accepted that.

It’s so easy to become discouraged, as I see other young families and mom’s with their babies and children… why do they get to have it so easy, and us so hard? How are we going be patient as we wait to come up with funds to try to have more children? We were so excited to find out it would $15,000 instead of $26,000 or more, but $15,000 still is an incredible amount of money. It’s at these times I just simply have to trust. It’s so hard, but I literally have to make a conscious decision to do so, and say to myself, “I trust in Jesus.” He is better than anyone at making impossible situations possible. We have seen it in our owns lives over and over again. And so we wait, and we trust.

We keep pressing on. Towards what we are passionate about and what we feel that God is calling us to as we seek to help others and share with them the love that has been so graciously given to us.

I want to say thank you to everyone for their prayers and kind words and for donations that have been made to help us on our journey. I was so worried about making the fundraiser, that people would think we were just wanting money and asking for handouts, but my wonderful friends and family really made me understand that this isn’t what it is at all. What we are doing is opening ourselves up and allowing God the opportunity to work. We are just showing up and saying “we trust in you” and believing that He really can do anything.