Merry Christmas Lincoln

My Dearest Lincoln,

Oh how I wish we would be together today my little love… and every day. The ache of missing you goes way down deep in Mommy’s heart. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas without your smiling face.

Do you remember your first Christmas? Mommy and Daddy were so exited! We all slept together in our new Christmas jammies from Gramma and Grampy Marley. Daddy woke up first and just couldn’t wait before he woke us up! You had the sweetest little “Baby’s first Christmas” stocking. We got you a little first Christmas book and Daddy read it to you right away. We had such a wonderful first Christmas morning together as our family of three.

Christmas morning 2013

Christmas morning 2013

To Lincoln Love, Mommy and Daddy

To Lincoln
Love, Mommy and Daddy

Daddy reading to Linky

Daddy reading to Linky

What is Christmas like in heaven Bubby? I never dreamed that you would meet Jesus before me. You have accomplished so much and changed so many lives in your short time with us. You still are changing lives baby. It makes me very happy to know that you are in a safe place and are being well taken care of until I’m with you. Grandpa Robert, I’m sure, has his hands full. Are you singing praises to God with the angels? I can’t wait to hear your wonderful voice sing. I always wondered what it would sound like, I’m sure it is just beautiful.

We decorated your resting place for the holidays. You even have your very own little tree. Aunt Rachel made an ornament for you with a pretty pinecone and green ribbon. All your little friends had very pretty decorations too.

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Ready for Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are trying their best to make you proud and share your story with as many as we can. You are our hero Lincoln. You have made me the proudest Mommy I could ever be. I dream of when we will all be together again someday… Tell Jesus to help Mommy and Daddy be strong. We love you so much, and more and more everyday, just as if you were here because in a way you still are; you are living on in our hearts.

Merry Christmas my love.

XOXO, Mommy

The Hope of Christmas

It’s been completely exhausting grieving though the holidays. We both have been coming home from work and pretty much eating dinner, and falling asleep on the couch. It always surprises me how grief presents itself. I thought I was doing pretty good and then I realized it is taking at least 10-12 hours of sleep a night just to function at work. It takes so much energy to keep it together. I always try to give myself opportunities to have a “break down” and express my grief, but sometimes I’m just so sick of crying that I need a few moments of reprieve. We are so thankful for our co-workers and the wonderful support they have been for us through everything. I don’t know how we could be more blessed in this area.

We’re doing everything we can to include our sweet boy as we near Christmas Day. We have a special “angel tree” that is Lincoln’s tree. A dear lady from our church wrote us a letter after Lincoln passed away and shared with us that they had lost a baby around 20 years ago. They have a tree dedicated to their own little boy that they buy an angel ornament for every year. They bought us a willow tree angel ornament so that we could start the tradition as well… Her letter touched me so much and we are absolutely beginning this tradition for Lincoln this year.

I was keeping my eye out for an additional angel ornament for Lincoln’s tree and hadn’t found one yet when I was walking around Kohl’s a few weeks ago. I was feeling really depressed and missing Lincoln sooo much… I was becoming overwhelmed wondering how in the world we are going to get through this Christmas without our little boy. I stopped as I neared the Christmas decorations and said out loud “I can’t do this Jesus, please help me!” A few seconds later I looked over to my right and saw it. The perfect angel ornament for Bubby’s tree. It was an angel holding a seahorse. For those who don’t know, Lincoln’s favorite toy was a seahorse that played classical music . Jeremy’s Papaw gave it to him for Christmas last year. No matter what, that thing always calmed him down; he absolutely loved it. We actually buried him with it because we didn’t want to part him from it. It’s because of this we always associate seahorses with Lincoln’s memory. I knew that God was sending me a message that night.

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We’re just trying to take one day at a time. If I look too far ahead, it just gets too overwhelming. Like “how can we go through an entire lifetime of birthdays and Christmas’ without Lincoln?” We try to be as gentle with ourselves as we can. It’s hard feeling like the Debbie downer party pooper, when the rest of the world is so excited and joyful. I hope that family and friends understand that we love talking about Lincoln… We need to talk about Lincoln. Ask us questions. Say his name. A lot of people have said to others that they are afraid to bring him up to us because they think they will upset us. I promise you I’m already thinking about him. I think about him constantly. There is no way its bringing up a “touchy” subject. We are living this 24/7. We are going to be child loss parents until the day we join Lincoln again, however near or far that day will be.

I like to imagine Lincoln watching us from heaven. It’s a way that I still feel him connected to us. I’m so thankful that we can lean on hope and press forward. We still have a race that we are running, and at the end we will receive the BEST prize we could ever imagine.

Thank you father for the gift of your precious son, so that I can one day be reunited with my own precious son. Fill our hearts with hope and peace that only you can give. Please give Lincoln a kiss from his mommy and let him know how much we love and miss him. I can’t wait to join all of you someday. In the name of Jesus I ask these things. Amen