When you can’t be with the one you love

 

I thought I knew how much I loved Lincoln while he was here. I would’ve done anything for my boy. At Riley all I could think when I saw that sweet little baby in that hospital bed, I would’ve given anything to trade places with him. I absolutely would have died for him so that he could live.

What I didn’t understand at that time was that while he was here, at least I could still show him affection; I could still hold his hand, and kiss his face. I could lay my head down beside his on the little hospital bed because I knew our connection was so much more deeper than him needing to be awake to know I was there; our souls were connected because he was my baby. I knew that if I was close to him he  would know his mommy was there.

I still have so much love for Lincoln in my heart, but there is no release of giving him the love daily. Instead it builds up, builds up and builds up until  it feels like my heart is going to burst. That is part of what makes the pain and grief so incredibly hard. Loss mommies have to find other ways to show their babies love once they’re not there for you to physically give it to them. You have to find a release.

This is why I write. This is why we have our charity Lincoln’s Hope in his memory. This is why we have golf scrambles and walks and sell T-shirts. This is why we do things like visit his grave and set off lanterns and balloons and light candles. Anything we can possibly do to get some relief from the built up love we have in our hearts.

This is also one of the ways I have found some healing. The love that pours out of a grieving parent’s heart is powerful enough to change the world. That is the legacy my son has left behind. A legacy of love. God is using the love that we have for our son to make a difference in the world. Through our love for Lincoln we are able to show others the love that God has for that them.

So while this isn’t the life I would have ever in 1 million years have chosen I am so proud of my son and what he was able to accomplish during his short life. I don’t know how I could be a prouder mom of my first born. He has forever changed my heart, and this world, for the better.

 

2nd Mother’s Day, IVF Update, and more…

This Mother’s Day was definitely different than my first without Lincoln. It was also better. I missed him terribly, as I do every day but was able to make it to church this year, and sang in the worship team. I was so blessed by my friends at church who wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I know it’s hard for people to know what to say to me sometimes, especially when how can I have a happy day when my baby isn’t with me? I was actually surprised how comforting it was to be included. I still felt uncomfortable wishing others a happy mother’s day, as strange as that may sound.

When I was at work throughout the week at Afena there were folks who wished me a happy mother’s day, and it was nice just to enjoy the well-wishing without having to explain anything or get upset. It was nice to pretend, even if it was just for a second, that everything is normal.

We stopped after church at a local market to buy some flowers, and this sweet humming bird kept flying around me. Now, I love humming birds, but I can never get a good look at them! As this one kept flying all around me I couldn’t help but feel that this was my Mother’s Day gift from Lincoln. 

I wanted to take a moment to give everyone an update on our progress with our IVF journey. With our fundraiser in April we we’re able to raise just over $4000. With those funds we were able to pay the upfront cost of $3850 to the Genesis Genetics lab, who is creating from scratch our family’s personal Leigh’s Disease test, which is just mind boggling that they can even do something like that. We had a genetic counseling session with one of their genetic counselors who walked us through the process of how they create the test, which will take about 2-4 weeks to create. Once the test is complete, Genesis Genetics will notify us and our fertility doctor in Indy that we can proceed with the IVF process.

The next amount we will be raising funds for will be the upfront cost of the actual IVF procedure which includes the medications, egg retrieval, fertilization, implantation, and ultrasounds plus an additional final installment of $1000 to Genesis Genetics. This amount will be just over $8500.

We are planning a large rummage to raise funds about the end of June/July sometime. If anyone would like to donate items to sell we are currently accepting donations now, through the time of the rummage, which we will shortly be announcing the date.

SNEAK PEAK – We are also planning a scrapbook party fundraiser sometime this summer as well TBA.

We want to say an enormous thank you to everyone who has made a contribution towards making our dreams of growing a healthy family closer to a reality. I really can’t express how humbling this all has been. We are forever grateful as we keep plugging away at making this happen.

I hope everyone had a lovely memorial weekend last week. We spent the weekend relaxing with family, and were able to plant flowers around Lincoln’s memory tree. It was so beautiful!