And So It Begins…

We knew it was coming… the start of a long season of holidays without Lincoln. It started last month with his birthday, and we now have to get through a holiday every month leading up to the anniversary of his death in February. The week leading up to Halloween ended up being really rough for Jeremy and I… I try so hard not to torture myself with the thoughts of what I should have been doing leading up to this October 31st (picking out Lincoln’s costume, etc). But my heart knows… I broke down after I got home from work Friday as the sweet little kiddos were coming up to the house for trick or treating. Jeremy always dresses up and sits out on the porch, and sings Christmas carols (he’s so crazy haha). He does it all to make the kids and parents laugh and have a great time. He gets so excited, I just know how wonderful he would have been with Lincoln, and how much fun they would have had together. It just breaks my heart. He should be here. But he isn’t. It’s never easy, but some days are a little easier to get through than others. I’m feeling like those days just might be a little more few and far between over the next several months.

I am so grateful that we did get to experience so many holidays with Lincoln, while he was here with us. There are so many wonderful memories we can think about as these days go by, but at the same time he will be so obviously missing too. I remember he was still so little, just over a month old when we had our first and only Halloween together. Our friends came over to visit, with their kiddos in costume. I, of course, had a mini photo shoot with Lincoln in his “My First Trick or Treat” onsie from Grandma and Aunt Rachel.

 

My First Trick or Treat :)

My First Trick or Treat 🙂

I miss him…

It just hurts so much… it goes way down deep inside, it penetrates the heart, body, and soul. I always ask God for just enough strength to get through each day, one at a time. I’m sure to a lot of people it seems like a lot of time has passed, but Jeremy and I are still so new in our grief. Everything I’ve read says the first 24 months are the hardest, but I know we are going to get through this. We are pressing on in honor of our son who doesn’t get to, and that includes adjusting to our “new normal.” We are back to just Jeremy & I, but we are forever changed. We are a family of 3.

I have come to realize that I like the “new” Stephanie more than the “before” Stephanie. This Stephanie is Lincoln’s mommy. This Stephanie loves more fiercely and passionately than ever before, and would give her life for those she loves. She is brave. She is hurt. She relies and trusts in her Savior like never before. So while I would give anything to have my son back, and not have this broken heart, God is taking the pieces and shaping me into someone “new.”

HAPPY HALLOWEEN LINCOLN! MOMMY CAN”T WAIT TO CUDDLE WITH YOU AGAIN ONE DAY!

Cuddles with Mommy <3

Cuddles with Mommy ❤

Mother’s Day – Empty Arms, Full Heart

This is not how I imagined my first Mother’s Day would be… but who ever, when dreaming of their lives, would imagine such tragedy would be a part of their near future? So I join the ranks of mommies who have to experience Mother’s Day with their only child in heaven…

I’ve decided I am going to be gentle with myself today… I decided not to attend church today because I did not want to throw myself in that situation, seeing all the mommies with their little kiddies… just too hard right now.

I did get to experience one Mother’s Day with Lincoln while I was pregnant. I was so excited to be a mom, and couldn’t wait to meet my little fella. I dreamed about the future Mother’s Days where we would celebrate together, not knowing that this would be our only one. I’m glad that I had those days of unknowing bliss that I could dream of our life with Lincoln, even though none of those days will come to be on this earth. I am so thankful for Lincoln, and him making my dreams of motherhood come true.

First picture of mommy and Bubby after leaving hospital

First picture of mommy and Bubby after leaving hospital

Jeremy bought me this little statue for Mother’s Day, and it rings so true to my heart. I fought for Lincoln, and protected and cared for him with all my might while he was here with us. And while it was incredibly difficult, I know that the ultimate protection of him was giving him back to the One who had blessed me with him in the first place.

~ The Guardian ~

~ The Guardian ~

When we were told at Riley that it was time to stay by Lincoln’s bedside, I held him for hours that night. I didn’t know when would be the last time. I told him over and over again, that we had a bond that could never be broken. The connection between my son and I was so precious, so strong. I knew that even if he left this world, our hearts would always be one.

So, as I write, even though my tears are flowing and my hands are shaking, my heart is full. Full of love for my son, and full of the expectation and hope that we will be united again. And when we have that reunion, it will be eternal. So for now, my heart is already in heaven, because my son and my Savior are there.

Lincoln's Headstone

Lincoln’s Headstone