4 Years Without You

Yet I will praise You
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
I’ll light up an offering of praise
What was true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You’re good and You’re kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe
That You weep with me

-Rend Collective

20140214_114450

Lincoln at Riley Children’s Hospital February 2014

Today we took Finleigh to Lincoln’s grave for the first time. It was chilly and wet so we didn’t get out of the car, but we just sat there for a minute. We told her we came to visit her awesome big brother, and how he is in heaven. We want to make sure she grows up knowing all about our amazing Lincoln and his story. And why she also is so very special.

IMG_4683Finleigh wearing her “My Big Brother is my Super Hero” onesie ❤ 

Four years ago today was the worst day of our entire lives. I held my son as he left my arms, and left this world forever. Mommies and Daddies aren’t supposed to have to say goodbye to their babies. To bury them in the ground.

I’ve said it a million times, and it’s still true today; there are no words to describe the feelings in your mind, soul, and body when your child dies. That’s why we loss parents search each other out. To just be together. We don’t have to try to explain, or come up with what to say. We just know.

I am so thankful to have a heavenly father who understands the loss of a son. I don’t have to give reasons for why I can’t stop crying, or am depressed, or angry, or can’t stop  the “what ifs” from coming… what my life would be like if I never had to say goodbye. In Him I can just be. I can rest in his loving embrace, knowing he has felt my pain.

Someday I will get to look upon that wonderful face that I saw for the first time 4 1/2 years ago. That face that made me a mom. That face that smiled up at me when he woke up in the middle of the night. That face that after all the trauma he had been through,  all the doctors saying he would never wake up, would never again know who I was, looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes with recognition. My little hero. Oh, how my heart longs for him.

Today we are thankful for the privilege of being Lincoln Robert Huff’s parents. The responsibility of sharing his story, and making a positive impact on this world in his honor. We love you forever little boy.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sissy can’t wait to see you. ❤

770 Huff, Stephanie NB

Lincoln Robert 9/16/2013 – 2/21/2014