I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it. ~ E.E. Cummings
I see Lincoln constantly. Things that I never would have thought would remind me of him pop up everywhere. As I sit here outside writing, the fireflies are beginning to come out, floating over the grass. There is a soft wind blowing the humidity and heat of the day away. And I feel him. I don’t think a mother’s heart can ever fully be separated from her children. Where ever they are, young, old, near, far, earth or in heaven, she is always connected to them. From the moment your little baby begins to grow inside you, there is an unspeakable, unexplainable love.
I remember the first time I ever felt Lincoln kick. I was around 21 weeks and had been having ALOT of serious back pain. My belly was really starting to grow! I was soaking in the tub (Jeremy’s orders), reading a magazine, singing along to some Adele music on my iPod when I felt I little nudge. I stopped singing and thought, “was that what I think it was??” I sat there silently waiting and when nothing else happened, I went back to singing away. And then it happened again… and again!! I knew without a doubt that I felt my little baby kicking me! I was so excited!! My eyes welling up with tears, I hurry and grabbed my phone and texted Jeremy the awesome news. I will never forget his response, “Aww that is so sweet, he loves his mommy’s singing.” I treasure that memory and the excitement we shared together.
Everything is so different now. Life now consists of before Lincoln’s death and after. I wish I could visit the before again, but I know that for the rest of my life on this earth, I will sadly be in the after. My heart longs for my son in a away I didn’t even know was possible. Our whole lives were devoted to his care. It’s so hard for everything to just… stop. No more changing diapers, no more baby laundry, no more baths, no more anything. I still feel like I should be taking care of him somehow.
I guess that is why I am OCD about his grave. I tend to his spot like no other. I visit often, and always after it rains; just to make sure everything is still perfectly arranged. I was there recently, cleaning off the dirt that had washed onto his head stone, and as I was crouching down, I heard a noise. When I looked up there was a squirrel just a few feet away, just standing straight up staring at me. After a few moments he slowly pranced away. I looked back down at Lincoln’s head stone and said “I love you… you’re here aren’t you?” and just then the wind picked up out of nowhere and his little pinwheel decorations twirled like crazy. I felt comforted in that moment. I knew that God was letting me know that He sees my pain and I haven’t been been forgotten. I am thankful for all of His subtle reminders that I am not alone, and that my heart can never truly be separated from Lincoln, even though we can no longer be together physically.
Lincoln is always with me. He is forever on my mind and forever in my heart. XOXO