4 Years Without You

Yet I will praise You
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
I’ll light up an offering of praise
What was true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You’re good and You’re kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe
That You weep with me

-Rend Collective

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Lincoln at Riley Children’s Hospital February 2014

Today we took Finleigh to Lincoln’s grave for the first time. It was chilly and wet so we didn’t get out of the car, but we just sat there for a minute. We told her we came to visit her awesome big brother, and how he is in heaven. We want to make sure she grows up knowing all about our amazing Lincoln and his story. And why she also is so very special.

IMG_4683Finleigh wearing her “My Big Brother is my Super Hero” onesie ❤ 

Four years ago today was the worst day of our entire lives. I held my son as he left my arms, and left this world forever. Mommies and Daddies aren’t supposed to have to say goodbye to their babies. To bury them in the ground.

I’ve said it a million times, and it’s still true today; there are no words to describe the feelings in your mind, soul, and body when your child dies. That’s why we loss parents search each other out. To just be together. We don’t have to try to explain, or come up with what to say. We just know.

I am so thankful to have a heavenly father who understands the loss of a son. I don’t have to give reasons for why I can’t stop crying, or am depressed, or angry, or can’t stop  the “what ifs” from coming… what my life would be like if I never had to say goodbye. In Him I can just be. I can rest in his loving embrace, knowing he has felt my pain.

Someday I will get to look upon that wonderful face that I saw for the first time 4 1/2 years ago. That face that made me a mom. That face that smiled up at me when he woke up in the middle of the night. That face that after all the trauma he had been through,  all the doctors saying he would never wake up, would never again know who I was, looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes with recognition. My little hero. Oh, how my heart longs for him.

Today we are thankful for the privilege of being Lincoln Robert Huff’s parents. The responsibility of sharing his story, and making a positive impact on this world in his honor. We love you forever little boy.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sissy can’t wait to see you. ❤

770 Huff, Stephanie NB

Lincoln Robert 9/16/2013 – 2/21/2014

Another Year of Missing You

Well, we made it. Kind of. We survived our first Holiday season without our son. Some things were easier than I thought they would be, others were much harder. It honestly didn’t feel like Christmas for the first time in my life. Things that I’ve never really noticed before would make me cry, for instance; how many baby Christmas ornaments every store seems to have, and how almost every song mentions “baby boy” and “infant.” On Christmas day, there was no rushing down the stairs to the tree to open up presents with a 15 month old. No laughter. No excitement. If only I had known that last year would be the only time I could ever buy my son Christmas gifts, I would have bought so many more. Taken more pictures. Not that a 3 month old knows that they are receiving gifts, but these are the things that run through your mind when your baby dies. It’s not always logical.

We had lots of get togethers over the holidays with family and tried our best to enjoy our time as much as we could, but… Lincoln was missing. Really missing. It was just so obvious. For me, it was like the hole in my heart was magnified for everyone to see. It’s hard not feel self conscious sometimes because you can just feel people watching you (especially when you are holding other babies), but many never actually try to talk to you about what you are going through. It can be pretty lonely to be the person everyone looks at and hopes they are never in your shoes… and I would never want them to be. There is just no way to even begin to fathom the pain of your child dying unless you have gone through it. I know, because I used to know what it was like to not feel this way. To have a living child. There is a bliss that you have that you don’t realize you have until it is taken away from you.

I do want to say how thankful I am for everyone who went the extra step and let me know that they have been thinking about us or keeping us in their prayers. It really means so much to me. It helps me to be reminded we are not alone. A cousin of mine shared a beautiful story with us of how he shared Lincoln’s story with a friend coping with loss. A couple of my work friends gave me a beautiful angel bear, and a “baby heaven” ornament. It made my day when I received those gifts. Thank you so much girlies (you know who you are, love you!)

The other night when I was at my parent’s house I was reading an article about a woman who had lost her husband, and how she always asked God for “signs from heaven” that he was still with her. She went on to explain how she’s received many signs in the last several years since he has been gone that have had been comforting. It made me think about all the different signs that God has sent to us about Lincoln over the last 10 month. I asked God right there, “Please send me a sign from Lincoln, I miss him so much!”

The next morning I was at work when one of our members came in and was talking about how he had felt bad that he had asked me about how good my Christmas was last week and had forgotten that Lincoln had died. He went on to tell me that he had just came from mailing off a donation to Lincoln’s Hope using the brochure I had given him when he had last asked about why Lincoln had died. Not one hour later, another member came in with no other business to do except to donate to Lincoln’s Hope too. I was astounded. I asked for a sign, and I got TWO. Not only were the signs meaningful, but they will help other kids. SO AMAZING.

It’s hard to be the mom of a world changer though. I have thought a lot about Mary lately, and how she was chosen to be the mother of a son that she would have to watch die one day. She pondered so many things about Jesus’ life in her heart and enjoyed her time with him as much as she could. He came to Earth to be her savior, but he was also her baby boy. It was her job to love him and care for him, but she knew he had a great purpose to fulfill one day. I know it wasn’t easy to watch him fill that purpose. But, because of it, my son’s death is being redeemed for God’s glory. Christ has already defeated death, and one day there will no longer be any graves or cemeteries, for they will all be empty. The old will pass away, and there will only be what is new.

I can’t begin to express how much I long for that day. The thought of entering a new year in which my son never lived has been difficult, but I know that it must happen so I can be closer to the sweet, sweet day we will be together again where there will be no tears and no heartache. I pray for the strength to live this life that I have been given. What a slap it is to evil when we stand firm in Christ through even the most difficult tribulations. I could not survive this without His love pouring over me daily. I hope so much that my entire life is spent sharing that love with others.

I hope for a year filled with love and remembering my sweet Lincoln…

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