4 Years Without You

February 21, 2018February 21, 2018 / stephhuff / 2 Comments

Yet I will praise You
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
I’ll light up an offering of praise
What was true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You’re good and You’re kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe
That You weep with me

-Rend Collective

Lincoln at Riley Children’s Hospital February 2014

Today we took Finleigh to Lincoln’s grave for the first time. It was chilly and wet so we didn’t get out of the car, but we just sat there for a minute. We told her we came to visit her awesome big brother, and how he is in heaven. We want to make sure she grows up knowing all about our amazing Lincoln and his story. And why she also is so very special.

Finleigh wearing her “My Big Brother is my Super Hero” onesie ❤

Four years ago today was the worst day of our entire lives. I held my son as he left my arms, and left this world forever. Mommies and Daddies aren’t supposed to have to say goodbye to their babies. To bury them in the ground.

I’ve said it a million times, and it’s still true today; there are no words to describe the feelings in your mind, soul, and body when your child dies. That’s why we loss parents search each other out. To just be together. We don’t have to try to explain, or come up with what to say. We just know.

I am so thankful to have a heavenly father who understands the loss of a son. I don’t have to give reasons for why I can’t stop crying, or am depressed, or angry, or can’t stop the “what ifs” from coming… what my life would be like if I never had to say goodbye. In Him I can just be. I can rest in his loving embrace, knowing he has felt my pain.

Someday I will get to look upon that wonderful face that I saw for the first time 4 1/2 years ago. That face that made me a mom. That face that smiled up at me when he woke up in the middle of the night. That face that after all the trauma he had been through, all the doctors saying he would never wake up, would never again know who I was, looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes with recognition. My little hero. Oh, how my heart longs for him.

Today we are thankful for the privilege of being Lincoln Robert Huff’s parents. The responsibility of sharing his story, and making a positive impact on this world in his honor. We love you forever little boy.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sissy can’t wait to see you. ❤

Lincoln Robert 9/16/2013 – 2/21/2014

A Year Without You

March 21, 2015 / stephhuff / 3 Comments

I haven’t written in awhile as the emotions have been pretty intense… sometimes there are no words when your hurt goes so deep. Exactly one month today ago today, we had the one year anniversary of our dear Lincoln passing away into heaven. It has taken me this long to be able to write about it.

Jeremy and I both had the entire week off from work leading up to the actual date…
We spent it relaxing and spending lots of needed time together.
Our wonderful family and friends spoke encouraging words to us throughout the week.
I had a girls day with one of my best friends.
We received a beautiful care package from good friends.
We spent a fun day in Indy with friends.
Our wonderful church family surprised us with a weekend away.

We were blessed.

Friends and family also messaged us with “good deeds” that they were doing that Saturday in honor of Lincoln. Some of things were donating bibles, clearing snow from neighbors driveways, paying for other’s meals at restaurants, etc. It was so comforting to hear of the good that Lincoln inspired that day.

We also watched videos of us singing to Lincoln at Riley the night leading up to him passing away that we haven’t seen since he left us. After lots of thought, we have decided to share one of the videos. It was an incredibly personal moment, but the presence of God was with my son his whole short life, and He was there with us in that room as our sweet boy slowly began slipping away.

In this video, we are singing a song to Lincoln that Jeremy wrote called “What a Day”. The lyrics speak about what an amazing day that it will be when we finally see Jesus face to face and will sing praises to him in person. To think that just hours later my own son would experience just what this song speaks about… it just overwhelms me. I can barely see to type as I cry thinking about holding him for the last time, kissing him for the last time… but then the Father whispers truth into my heart; that while those may have been the last times on this earth, I will hold Lincoln again someday and kiss his sweet face. And what a day that will be…

As The Dreaded Day Approaches…

January 23, 2015January 23, 2015 / stephhuff / 14 Comments

Lincoln’s Build-a-Bear “Spots”

When I first began this blog, I was telling our story day by day of our experience at Riley. I had to stop and give myself a break because I just couldn’t handle the emotions of reliving those days as I wrote. It helped at first, but with Jeremy struggling at work with PTSD and me working and also trying to keep our bills paid and everything, it proved to be too much to finish at that time.

But I think I’m finally ready to continue it next month. It feels like an unfinished book that needs an ending. I think it will help me process my grief in the upcoming month. I have to be very careful when I let myself dwell on events of that week, or I will be sinking into a bottomless hole before I know it. The memories cause extreme emotional and physical reactions. Before I know know it, I’m right there back in that little PICU room reliving every moment.

February 21st will be one year since Lincoln left us. Jeremy and I are both taking the entire week off from work. This day weighs heavy on my heart and mind as it approaches. I just can’t believe I haven’t been able to hold and kiss my sweet baby for almost a year. It doesn’t even seem real. His swing still sits over beside the tv. His play pen is still out with his folded little outfits and towels still stacked from the laundry we did the days before he died. I’ve moved a lot of his things just into his nursery because they hurt so much to look at every day. His stroller and car seat. The unopened high chair he never got to use… But those last few things I haven’t had the strength to move yet.

I tried to clean out his play pen but when I came across one of the last outfits I bought him, that I had been so excited to buy, that he never got to wear, I just couldn’t do it. Our grief counselor once told me that we shouldn’t push ourselves to clean and move things we aren’t ready to because you can only do it once. And right now we’re not ready. I don’t know when we will be. And that’s ok.

Please keep us in prayer my friends as we approach the anniversary of the death of our son. It was truly the worst day of our lives. I actually feel guilty for even saying that because it was also the day that Lincoln was set free from his painful and diseased body, and made whole and new in Christ. So while my mommy heart knows that was truly best for my darling baby, that doesn’t mean that my heart wasn’t shattered that day too. All my hopes and dreams of a toddler running around the house this winter, first days of school, playing football and piano, years of birthdays and holidays and so, so much more were taken from me in an instant. And I have to live with that the rest of my life. Everyday he is missing. 50 years from now he will still be missing.

God give me the strength to face each day with courage!.

And So It Begins…

November 2, 2014 / stephhuff / 2 Comments

We knew it was coming… the start of a long season of holidays without Lincoln. It started last month with his birthday, and we now have to get through a holiday every month leading up to the anniversary of his death in February. The week leading up to Halloween ended up being really rough for Jeremy and I… I try so hard not to torture myself with the thoughts of what I should have been doing leading up to this October 31st (picking out Lincoln’s costume, etc). But my heart knows… I broke down after I got home from work Friday as the sweet little kiddos were coming up to the house for trick or treating. Jeremy always dresses up and sits out on the porch, and sings Christmas carols (he’s so crazy haha). He does it all to make the kids and parents laugh and have a great time. He gets so excited, I just know how wonderful he would have been with Lincoln, and how much fun they would have had together. It just breaks my heart. He should be here. But he isn’t. It’s never easy, but some days are a little easier to get through than others. I’m feeling like those days just might be a little more few and far between over the next several months.

I am so grateful that we did get to experience so many holidays with Lincoln, while he was here with us. There are so many wonderful memories we can think about as these days go by, but at the same time he will be so obviously missing too. I remember he was still so little, just over a month old when we had our first and only Halloween together. Our friends came over to visit, with their kiddos in costume. I, of course, had a mini photo shoot with Lincoln in his “My First Trick or Treat” onsie from Grandma and Aunt Rachel.

My First Trick or Treat 🙂

I miss him…

It just hurts so much… it goes way down deep inside, it penetrates the heart, body, and soul. I always ask God for just enough strength to get through each day, one at a time. I’m sure to a lot of people it seems like a lot of time has passed, but Jeremy and I are still so new in our grief. Everything I’ve read says the first 24 months are the hardest, but I know we are going to get through this. We are pressing on in honor of our son who doesn’t get to, and that includes adjusting to our “new normal.” We are back to just Jeremy & I, but we are forever changed. We are a family of 3.

I have come to realize that I like the “new” Stephanie more than the “before” Stephanie. This Stephanie is Lincoln’s mommy. This Stephanie loves more fiercely and passionately than ever before, and would give her life for those she loves. She is brave. She is hurt. She relies and trusts in her Savior like never before. So while I would give anything to have my son back, and not have this broken heart, God is taking the pieces and shaping me into someone “new.”

HAPPY HALLOWEEN LINCOLN! MOMMY CAN”T WAIT TO CUDDLE WITH YOU AGAIN ONE DAY!