Happy Birthday Big Brother.

September 17, 2019September 17, 2019 / stephhuff / 1 Comment

Finleigh knew this was a day for her brother from the moment she woke up this morning. She has a musical seahorse just like Lincoln’s (he loved it so much he was buried with it) that she sleeps with every night. It stays in her bed during the day, but today she wanted to play the music and carry it around all morning which she has never done before.

There are a few high shelves in Finleigh’s room that have some of Lincoln’s belongings as well as the angel bear that Riley gave me to hold right after Lincoln passed. I carried it all that day and slept with it for awhile. When Finleigh got up from her nap she specifically pointed to it, said “bear?” and wanted Daddy to get it down. We’ve not let her play with that bear because we don’t want anything to happen to it and the shelf is high enough she doesn’t really pay attention to what’s up there. She was adamant to have that bear and proceeded to hug it, carry it around, feed it and have it go potty.

She wanted to bring it with us when we headed to the cemetery and we just couldn’t say no so off we went. Finleigh was so sweet helping decorate for her brother’s birthday placing flowers and setting up the pin wheel.

She has a special connection with her brother ❤️

We finished off the night with a beautiful lantern for our birthday boy.

Our day is finally at an end, 6 birthdays celebrated.

I’m so jealous of Grandpa Freddie who made it just in time for your heavenly party baby. I know he gave you all the updates on your little sister and how much we all love and miss you. I know he was so excited to see you. Mommy, Daddy and Sissy can’t wait to celebrate with you in person for the first time someday Bubby! We love you forever!

💚HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY LINCOLN 💚

4 Years Without You

February 21, 2018February 21, 2018 / stephhuff / 2 Comments

Yet I will praise You
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
I’ll light up an offering of praise
What was true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You’re good and You’re kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe
That You weep with me

-Rend Collective

Lincoln at Riley Children’s Hospital February 2014

Today we took Finleigh to Lincoln’s grave for the first time. It was chilly and wet so we didn’t get out of the car, but we just sat there for a minute. We told her we came to visit her awesome big brother, and how he is in heaven. We want to make sure she grows up knowing all about our amazing Lincoln and his story. And why she also is so very special.

Finleigh wearing her “My Big Brother is my Super Hero” onesie ❤

Four years ago today was the worst day of our entire lives. I held my son as he left my arms, and left this world forever. Mommies and Daddies aren’t supposed to have to say goodbye to their babies. To bury them in the ground.

I’ve said it a million times, and it’s still true today; there are no words to describe the feelings in your mind, soul, and body when your child dies. That’s why we loss parents search each other out. To just be together. We don’t have to try to explain, or come up with what to say. We just know.

I am so thankful to have a heavenly father who understands the loss of a son. I don’t have to give reasons for why I can’t stop crying, or am depressed, or angry, or can’t stop the “what ifs” from coming… what my life would be like if I never had to say goodbye. In Him I can just be. I can rest in his loving embrace, knowing he has felt my pain.

Someday I will get to look upon that wonderful face that I saw for the first time 4 1/2 years ago. That face that made me a mom. That face that smiled up at me when he woke up in the middle of the night. That face that after all the trauma he had been through, all the doctors saying he would never wake up, would never again know who I was, looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes with recognition. My little hero. Oh, how my heart longs for him.

Today we are thankful for the privilege of being Lincoln Robert Huff’s parents. The responsibility of sharing his story, and making a positive impact on this world in his honor. We love you forever little boy.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sissy can’t wait to see you. ❤

Lincoln Robert 9/16/2013 – 2/21/2014

As The Dreaded Day Approaches…

January 23, 2015January 23, 2015 / stephhuff / 14 Comments

Lincoln’s Build-a-Bear “Spots”

When I first began this blog, I was telling our story day by day of our experience at Riley. I had to stop and give myself a break because I just couldn’t handle the emotions of reliving those days as I wrote. It helped at first, but with Jeremy struggling at work with PTSD and me working and also trying to keep our bills paid and everything, it proved to be too much to finish at that time.

But I think I’m finally ready to continue it next month. It feels like an unfinished book that needs an ending. I think it will help me process my grief in the upcoming month. I have to be very careful when I let myself dwell on events of that week, or I will be sinking into a bottomless hole before I know it. The memories cause extreme emotional and physical reactions. Before I know know it, I’m right there back in that little PICU room reliving every moment.

February 21st will be one year since Lincoln left us. Jeremy and I are both taking the entire week off from work. This day weighs heavy on my heart and mind as it approaches. I just can’t believe I haven’t been able to hold and kiss my sweet baby for almost a year. It doesn’t even seem real. His swing still sits over beside the tv. His play pen is still out with his folded little outfits and towels still stacked from the laundry we did the days before he died. I’ve moved a lot of his things just into his nursery because they hurt so much to look at every day. His stroller and car seat. The unopened high chair he never got to use… But those last few things I haven’t had the strength to move yet.

I tried to clean out his play pen but when I came across one of the last outfits I bought him, that I had been so excited to buy, that he never got to wear, I just couldn’t do it. Our grief counselor once told me that we shouldn’t push ourselves to clean and move things we aren’t ready to because you can only do it once. And right now we’re not ready. I don’t know when we will be. And that’s ok.

Please keep us in prayer my friends as we approach the anniversary of the death of our son. It was truly the worst day of our lives. I actually feel guilty for even saying that because it was also the day that Lincoln was set free from his painful and diseased body, and made whole and new in Christ. So while my mommy heart knows that was truly best for my darling baby, that doesn’t mean that my heart wasn’t shattered that day too. All my hopes and dreams of a toddler running around the house this winter, first days of school, playing football and piano, years of birthdays and holidays and so, so much more were taken from me in an instant. And I have to live with that the rest of my life. Everyday he is missing. 50 years from now he will still be missing.

God give me the strength to face each day with courage!.